The indescribable loss of a loved one is… indescribable. Almost a year ago, my ex-boyfriend passed away. The spoken and unspoken words to him, haunt and taunt me to this day, near everyday. Sounds and sights are lightbulbs for his memory to surface. It’s a hurt that I’ve never experienced before. Not being able to have even the choice to call him, or text him, in this day and age, is unacceptable to me still.
There’s so much I wish I could share with him. He was such a huge part of my journey, my life, my way of life, my time table. I experienced one of the worst times of my life with him and then I experienced some of the best. We laughed and cried and laughed and cried, and that was our existence together. We were a happy tragedy. That was what was bound to happen; that’s what did happen.
I knew he was going to die. I can remember when we talked about the sure circumstances of his existence. Of course, being in love, it conquers all. Surely, there would be a cure. We would go on and live the life we imagined together.
When we broke up, I was in my lowest state I’ve ever been in. Frankly, I am embarrassed and disconnected from that time period in my life. All of which led me into “bettering” myself. I moved back to Texas to finish school, and he went on to live the life he had left.
Life happens and life goes on. I met the love of my life, and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend grew distant. We would occassionaly contact one another over experiences only we would understand the humor, or lack of.
If he were here now, there would be so many apologizes I would give him. There would be so many thank you’s and tearful hugs. I learned so much from him and I’ll never forget the bad times, because in truth, they were the most memorable. They were the times I will never forget.
Maybe it’s because the anniversary of your death is nearing. Maybe it’s because I’m listening to Frank Ocean, and you always hated when I played his music. But you’re always on my mind and in my heart.
I love you forever.
And Peter, who knew Frank Ocean would end up making a song just for us.
Ivy – dedicated to you my love.
May we always hold the ones we love near our hearts. May we embody the hard times and the good times with them. As cheesy as it is, life is so fleeting. Hug the ones you love.